random thoughts to confuse and enlighten.

Archive for October, 2011

Relating Things

Greeting friends.

New idea for you to be the center of the party at your next Bar Mitzvah. Relate things that don’t relate.

“My bed is not that good of a bed. The sheets always fall off. It’s way too small. And I’ve never gotten a good night’s sleep on it. However, it is a lot better than being eaten alive by a lion.”

Person 1: “Hey. Can you please help me out with my Zoology homework?”
You: “Well, It’s a Tuesday. So I could help you out. ”

Person 1: “Do you think that Panda Bears are the most evil of bears?”
You: “I took a cold shower today, so probably not.”

As you see. Pandas really are the most evil. Also, the most cute.

Don't mind me. I'm doing panda stuff. Eating twigs.

Confused and Enlightened yet?


American History: A Quick Burp (Part I)

Basically. History is the best subject in school. Everything is history. That war that happened in the 1940s, history. That dump you took this morning after heavy alcohol consumption because your football team lost, history. A friend, who will remain unnamed, asked me to write out what happened in American History in a clear and easy-to-follow way.  I am awesome at retaining history. I take absolutely no notes, will read approximately 20 pages out of a book, and will get an A in history classes all day.

American History Notes.

History of the Andean Nations. Notes do not apply.

As you can see, I do not necessarily take notes. and my whole notebook is doodles. But I understand that history does not come as easily to everyone. So, lets start from the Declaration of  Independence and move our way up. This is Part I, so I will just discuss a couple things, and you can write in the comments section on what you’d like me to give a brief history lesson on. 

Declaration of Independence: Okay. First off, learn how to spell “declaration.” I’ve seen so many kids mess this word up. And it’s pretty much making you look stupid. It’s not that common of a word, but seriously. This document got this country going. Also, “independence” has no ‘As’ in it. Learn it.
Who: America. Thomas Jefferson.
What: Gave the U.S. freedom from britain and their messed up teeth. Also, ripped King George III a new one.
When: Jul 4, 1776
Where:  ‘Merica
Why: Democracy, bitches.
What I think is cool: Thomas Jefferson gets cred for this thing all day. But it’s a fun story. Jefferson was supposed to write it with a group of people. They all dumped it on him. Jefferson, in the original Declaration, wrote pages on what he felt should be done to Scottish people. He was very very racist. He hated Scotts, and basically wanted them to not be allowed into the US. Also, Jefferson straight up plagiarized George Mason and John Locke to write the Declaration. You’ve probably never even heard of George Mason, but he wrote VA’s declaration, and Jefferson basically just copied and pasted what he wrote. Also, you’re familiar with the biggest quote from the Declaration of Independence, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” Yep. That’s Locke. Jefferson did not come up with that. It’s pretty awesome, I agree. But Jefferson: 1. Didn’t write it. and 2. Didn’t mean it. What he meant was, “All white dudes with money are legit to go. Except Scottish people. And everybody else, including women, do not matter.” Nothing in the Declaration of Independence was original thought by Thomas Jefferson.

Here’s a fun little History Video.

Civil War: The worst war America has ever been in. The South started it, and the North ended it. But then didn’t really get the blacks rights. Thank you, Compromise of 1877.
Who. North (Union) vs. South (Confederate). Abe. Lee (South). Grant (Nort’)
What: Freed the blacks. But not really.
When: 1861-1865
Where: ‘Merica
Why: South gave up on the U.S.
What I think is cool: The South suck. They are stupid sacks of poop that like the smell of other peoples farts. They seceded from the U.S. before Lincoln even became prez. They sucked at winning a war, even though Lee was arguably the best general in American history. Lincoln did not even care for the freedom of blacks, he just wanted to save the U.S… which is admirable, but don’t give him credit for freeing the blacks, because he was killed before it happened. Also, the Gettysburg Address did absolutely nothing. The Emancipation Proclamation, also doesn’t matter. The North wins, and blacks get “freedom.” However, they experience no sense of belonging or civil rights for the next hundred years. Thanks, North. You guys really dropped the ball there. The South was so stubborn they would have started another civil war if they had to let black people use the same drinking fountain as the whites. Geez. Some of the most dumb and racist people are from the United States.

General Grant. His hat is baller.

Robert E Lee.

So. That’s just two things. I would love to do more for you guys. But I’m not sure what to do them on. So, please, in the comments section post what you want to hear on. I’d prefer to do American History only, but you are obviously allowed to comment whatever. If you hate this post, keep your stupid comments to yourself then.

Tell your friends about us.

Confusing. Enlightening. Fwaah.

Winona Word of the Month

Many a time a word has been replaced for another word, regardless of the two sharing identical or even remotely related meanings. In homage to the various words and their misplaced uses, our word of the month is Jumbotron.

As many of you already know, a Jumbotron is a very large, sometimes four sided, screen placed in sports related stadiums for an enhanced viewing experience. However, our use of the word literally means everything.

This is a Jumbotron.

This is our definition

Jumbotron: to be a jumbotron, or to do jumbotron things.

This is also a Jumbotron.

What it means to be a jumbotron or do jumbotron things nobody can know for sure.

One Jumbotron we do know though, you are all a bunch of Jumbotrons. How could you? How Jumbotron you do that to them? What would make you think it would Jumbotron okay to Jumbotron that to those poor Jumbotrons. We can Jumbotron forgive you.

We would also like to take the time to celebrate the Packers and the Lions victories as we Jumbotron da Bears. Thanks to Matt Jumbotron and his Jumbotron Calvin Johnson who had over 100 Jumbotrons and a big touchdown Jumbotron in the first Jumbotron.

Here’s how it might have been used in an average daily conversation:
Me: Hey. I was late for Jumbotron because my cat decided to Jumbotron my Jumbotron. And the stupid Jumbotron cat was throwing up all over my Jumbotron so I Jumbotroned it’s Jumbotron Jumbotron.
You: It’s all Jumbotron. I was starting to get Jumbotron about you.
Me: Well. You shouldn’t worry about Jumbotron. You should seriously look into Jumbotron though. I’m pretty sure I broke it’s Jumbotron Jumbotron when I kicked it in the Jumbotron.
You: Yeah man. I would gladly Jumbotron after your cat while it recovers from Jumbotron head trauma, because you Jumbotroned it’s Jumbotron mouth in.
Me: Thanks dude. You’re a real Jumbotron saver. I’m glad you could Jumbotron me out during these Jumbotron times. Especially since I am about to Jumbotron my job to pursue a Jumbotron in Jumbotron watching and pope-ing.

These Jumbotrons are so Jumbotronin Jumbotron.

Confused? Definitely. Enlightened? Jumbotron



The only thing better than a Tyrannosaurus Rex is two Tyrannosaurus Rex.
What is better than two Tyrannosaurus Rex?  Nothing.

Dinosaurs are awesome. They’re big and eat humans. Animals that eat humans are cooler than those who don’t.

Proof: Animal Greatness Theorem of Law.
Animal that has large teeth used to tear human bodies > Animals that frolic in daisies and terd nuggets.  
Bears > Chickens
Sharks > Llamas
Wolves > Butterflies

Dinosaurs are the ultimate. They would gladly go up to a human and proclaim, “Get this puny peach sack of lard and useless brains in my face.” Our brains make us capable of fighting back, but if were to take on a dinosaur one V. one… Our brains are just a nice side dish.

Little known fact, Dinosaurs enjoy full course meals. Appetizers, steak, and dessert.

You know what’d make a really fwaah’n good film? Zombie Dinosaurs.



“This ain’t a war, anymore than a war between men and maggots. Or, dragons and wolves. Or, men riding dragons, throwing wolves at maggots.” – Scary Movie 4

This quote was brought up by a friend, Conrad. Let’s discuss this.
Conrad says:
Dragon riding men equipped with Wolf darts > Baker’s Dozen Tyrannosaurus Rex
However. These dragons need to be more well defined. There is the Mulan Eddie Murphy dragon and the ‘Reign of Fire’ dragon.

This is a dragon that you do not fwaah with.

Or the super awesome dragon in “How to Train Your Dragon.”

This movie was awesome. Dragons are way better than dogs or cats or air.

However. We all know that these dragon are going to be that classic medieval dragon that can breathe fire, fly, and eat people. Which is important, as per the theorem says. So right now we have two animals that both eat humans: T-Rex and Dragons. Therefore, 1 Dragon > 1 T-Rex, but 2 Dragons < 2 T-Rex. Here me out: Dragons can fly and breathe fire, but nothing is better than two T-Rex. Everybody knows that. But a dragon is pretty darn close. So the problem now is that we add men wielding wolf knives. Wolves are not trust-worthy knives. It’s not their main objective. They were not created to be thrown at T-Rex or any other target a projectile might be used for. First off, wolves would be great against other humans, but a T-Rex could take on a wolf. Not even a close fight. And you would have to throw at least six wolves to bother a T-Rex. And there’s no way 6 wolves would sit on the back of a dragon and be chill about being thrown at anything. Wolves travel in packs too. So just having your one wolf is not good enough. A wolf > human anyways. A wolf would kill the human and then chill on the dragon til the dragon kills the wolf. So the ‘men with wolves’ is moot.

If the dragons were able to:
1. Give a shit. (Dragons are not about to fight together. They’d rather just chill around and be awesome.)
2. Work together.
3. Get rid of the humans. (They smell, are fat, are peach sacks, and try to be heroes.)

T-Rex can work together. Any doubters? Jurassic Park: Lost World. Fact.

I think that it comes down to numbers. I think that a dragon equals a 0.9 on the win scale (A dragon with men wielding wolves is a 0.75). A T-Rex equals a 0.85. However, two T-Rex equals a 2.0. The highest number you can achieve. There’s nothing better than 2 T-Rex. So for every two T-Rex, you would need 2.2 (repeating, of course) dragons.

So for our scenario of a baker’s dozen T-Rex:
13 T-Rex = 12(2.0) + 0.85 = 24.85 win. Therefore, there would need to be:
34 men riding dragons, throwing wolves to beat 13 T-Rex or
28 Dragons to beat 13 T-rex.

Confused? Probably. Enlightened? Yes.



Dearly beloved,

As a follow up to the previous discussion, consonants deserve some love, too. While they don’t have all of the glory of their talented vowel friends, they are at the same time, necessary. Consonants are the offensive linemen of letters, the garbage men, the custodians, the Kevin Pollack in the letter acting world.

Just sound one out for yourself, Bee! It’s a word all on it’s own, or Sea! or Gee or Tea or Double you, or Jay.

Wait, all of those consonants require vowels to say, damn it.