American History: A Quick Burp (Part I)

Basically. History is the best subject in school. Everything is history. That war that happened in the 1940s, history. That dump you took this morning after heavy alcohol consumption because your football team lost, history. A friend, who will remain unnamed, asked me to write out what happened in American History in a clear and easy-to-follow way.  I am awesome at retaining history. I take absolutely no notes, will read approximately 20 pages out of a book, and will get an A in history classes all day.

American History Notes.

History of the Andean Nations. Notes do not apply.

As you can see, I do not necessarily take notes. and my whole notebook is doodles. But I understand that history does not come as easily to everyone. So, lets start from the Declaration of  Independence and move our way up. This is Part I, so I will just discuss a couple things, and you can write in the comments section on what you’d like me to give a brief history lesson on. 

Declaration of Independence: Okay. First off, learn how to spell “declaration.” I’ve seen so many kids mess this word up. And it’s pretty much making you look stupid. It’s not that common of a word, but seriously. This document got this country going. Also, “independence” has no ‘As’ in it. Learn it.
Who: America. Thomas Jefferson.
What: Gave the U.S. freedom from britain and their messed up teeth. Also, ripped King George III a new one.
When: Jul 4, 1776
Where:  ‘Merica
Why: Democracy, bitches.
What I think is cool: Thomas Jefferson gets cred for this thing all day. But it’s a fun story. Jefferson was supposed to write it with a group of people. They all dumped it on him. Jefferson, in the original Declaration, wrote pages on what he felt should be done to Scottish people. He was very very racist. He hated Scotts, and basically wanted them to not be allowed into the US. Also, Jefferson straight up plagiarized George Mason and John Locke to write the Declaration. You’ve probably never even heard of George Mason, but he wrote VA’s declaration, and Jefferson basically just copied and pasted what he wrote. Also, you’re familiar with the biggest quote from the Declaration of Independence, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” Yep. That’s Locke. Jefferson did not come up with that. It’s pretty awesome, I agree. But Jefferson: 1. Didn’t write it. and 2. Didn’t mean it. What he meant was, “All white dudes with money are legit to go. Except Scottish people. And everybody else, including women, do not matter.” Nothing in the Declaration of Independence was original thought by Thomas Jefferson.

Here’s a fun little History Video.

Civil War: The worst war America has ever been in. The South started it, and the North ended it. But then didn’t really get the blacks rights. Thank you, Compromise of 1877.
Who. North (Union) vs. South (Confederate). Abe. Lee (South). Grant (Nort’)
What: Freed the blacks. But not really.
When: 1861-1865
Where: ‘Merica
Why: South gave up on the U.S.
What I think is cool: The South suck. They are stupid sacks of poop that like the smell of other peoples farts. They seceded from the U.S. before Lincoln even became prez. They sucked at winning a war, even though Lee was arguably the best general in American history. Lincoln did not even care for the freedom of blacks, he just wanted to save the U.S… which is admirable, but don’t give him credit for freeing the blacks, because he was killed before it happened. Also, the Gettysburg Address did absolutely nothing. The Emancipation Proclamation, also doesn’t matter. The North wins, and blacks get “freedom.” However, they experience no sense of belonging or civil rights for the next hundred years. Thanks, North. You guys really dropped the ball there. The South was so stubborn they would have started another civil war if they had to let black people use the same drinking fountain as the whites. Geez. Some of the most dumb and racist people are from the United States.

General Grant. His hat is baller.

Robert E Lee.

So. That’s just two things. I would love to do more for you guys. But I’m not sure what to do them on. So, please, in the comments section post what you want to hear on. I’d prefer to do American History only, but you are obviously allowed to comment whatever. If you hate this post, keep your stupid comments to yourself then.

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Confusing. Enlightening. Fwaah.