random thoughts to confuse and enlighten.

Archive for February, 2012

Top 10 Villains That You Forgot

There’s been a rise of water in my house. Two dams broke to reveal a waterfall was conveniently located above my house. I wake up to find that everyone has drowned, except for me. I stay afloat by dog paddling and strong grunts that I hope translates to prayers. Who could have done this to me? Who broke these dams? At first I ponder; I think of the classics. I think Darth Vader had something to do with this. Or Joker. Or, Ghostface. Or, at the very least, Agent Smith. These are the best villains. They surely could have pulled something like this off. But what about the villains that people have forgotten? That their prime time was but a blip and is now gone? This post is a memorial to them.

Okay. Rules. We always need rules. So. Only movies from the 90’s and up are included. And this is not the best villains list. This is a list of villains that are pretty cool, and you just forgot about them. So like, yeah, Hannibal Lector, Terminator, and Hans Landa are awesome villains, but you haven’t forgotten about them. If you were going to make a top 10 villains of the last twenty years, you would include Hannibal Lector. So these are the guys that might have a case to make the list, but ultimately get forgotten.

10. Lamia from Stardust (2007)

Cynical Witch.

Stardust is one of the most underrated movies ever. Like, has anyone seen this? It’s straight up baller. It’s one of the coolest fantasy movies I’ve ever seen. I love all the characters, and the story is dece. I own it, so… If you wanna borrow it, just ask. But this villain is great. She’s a witch played by Michelle Pfeiffer. She gets to run around using magic which she turns a goat into a man, and a man into a girl. And a nothing into a hotel. All the while, she’s trying to chase after a star to cut out her heart so that she can stay immortal.

9. Mugatu from Zoolander (2001)

Will Ferrell as a villain. Better than him being a semi-pro basketball player. Way better.

8. Edgar from Men In Black (1997)

We got a bug.

Any time that you can’t find a half decent picture of a movie villain, then you know that the villain has been forgotten. But I ask that you please don’t. I would like to point out that this, to my immediate knowledge, is the second time we’ve referenced Men In Black. I think that’s a record since y2k. But anyways, this dude steals some farmers body and then drives around and turns into a beast bug in the final scene. “The galaxy is on Orion’s Belt”. Why couldn’t he just have said Orion’s leash? More than a decade later, I’m still in my seven year old self’s body struggling with the little alien in the guys face. He could have changed that one word, and you could have helped everything. Stupid alien-face guy.

7. Shan Yu from Mulan (1998)

Shan Yu: The Most Metal Villain Disney Has Ever Had.

I saw this movie in theaters. With my brother and his friend, Evan Telford. Evan had like two dozen pets. Not an exaggeration. I still remember stuff like this. This is why I can’t remember economics/anything, because my mind is filled of stupid memories like who I went and saw a movie with in 1998. Anyways, Shan Yu had facial hair, like a jagged sword, beefy muscles, and a freakin falcon. A falcon. “They poppin out of the snow… Like Daisies!”

6. T Rex from Jurassic Park (1993)

Remember when he ate the guy on the toilet? Coolest thing ever.

The only thing better than a T-Rex is two T-Rex. I’m being honest, I think my post on dinosaurs was my favorite post ever. You know who hasn’t forgotten this movie villain? Cole Luskey. Watching Jurassic Park with Colt is one part maniacal and one part inspirational. I’ve never seen anyone enjoy a movie as much as he does to Jurassic Park.

5. Jigsaw from Saw (2004)

I put a picture of the puppet in case you haven't seen the movie.

The Saw series gets a lot of flack and fluff. But the first one is probably my favorite horror movie ever. I hate horror movies, but Saw is so cool. The ending is just phenomenal. I recommend Saw. Don’t bother with the other six, unless you’re me, Adam, or Spencer. Yeah, it’s a pretty dark movie, and there’s some straight up gore. But the first one isn’t too gory. And like I said, the story is actually awesome.

4. Imhotep from The Mummy (1999)

Sand storm face

Imhotep is baller. In between being in love, he’s a skeleton, a half skeleton, a person, and a sand storm face.

3. Chip Hazard and the Commando Elite from Small Soldiers (1998)

Does anyone else think he looks way too much like the Avatar bad guy? Like... Is a white haired older buff guy just the cliche bad military leader guy? I didn't realize there was a stereotype for that.

I just google'd "bad guy avatar" for this one. Google is the best thing ever. Imagine homework without google. Can't. I'd have to know the Dewey Decimal system?

My anecdote for Chip is that Kirsten Dunst is in this movie. And the Gorgonites are wimpy deer. The Commando Elites are were the coolest bad guys ever when I  was eight. This movie was kinda dark for young kids. I feel that way about a lot of movies that I watched when I was younger. Have you seen Pinocchio recently? I don’t know how I didn’t just pee all over my house after watching that.

2. Van Pelt from Jumanji (1995)

Kirsten Dunst is in this movie too.

It’s argumentative that the real villain of this movie is the board itself. But, I ain’t about to get all literary analysis on ya! We just be talkin bout da bad duders. Van Pelt sucked too. Like, he was chasing after the kids. And he had that gun… Ya know what else, does anyone remember when he called Robin Williams character “Sonny Jim” at the end of the movie. I liked that in 95. And. I still like that.

1. Warden Samuel Norton from Shawshank Redemption (1994)

"I wonder what was the last thing going through his mind; other than that bullet."

Okay. This movie is phenomenal. And. We all know that. If you haven’t seen Shawshank Redemption then you are really missing out. But, why does everybody not give credit to this awesome villain? Sure, he doesn’t have an evil costume. And he’s not trying to destroy the world with a death ray. But he’s sinister! He held Dufresne captive even though he knew he was innocent. And had the guy that could testify for his innocence executed. Oh man. He’s so obtuse.

Here’s a link: Family Guy’s Shawshank Redemption spoof.

I went a whole post without a youtube video…

Never mind.

Who’d I miss? Lemme know below.


Becoming a musician or GarageBand made me who I am.

Yet another expedition into the Grinsell archives yields a fruitful bounty of blogs and Nesquik mix. However, as I shuffle through the darkness my ears catch a faint whistling echo in the distance. ”Merely the wind,” I say as I brush off my dusty memories of old sheriffs and Barney Fife. I continue my journey, with the determination of a guido at a nightclub, but I can’t help but think that some music would indeed lighten the mood as the cold dark surrounds me…

Oh, so it’s Thursday? That means the only class you have is a discussion for an introductory course on scratching your butt. You already have a B in that so there’s really no reason you should wake up before ten-thirty. Once the relentless sunshine rustles you from your slumber, you realize you got nothing to do today. You could sit on the couch and doing homework scratching your butt and it wouldn’t even matter! So you whip out the Mac Book and suddenly it hits you. Today, you are becoming a musician. And it’s all thanks to this little guy.

Actual guitar and talent not included.

A Day in the Life of a GarageBand Musician.

Phase 1: Optimism.

Optimism. A deadly first timer's mistake.

As the little guitar icon bounces up and down in eager anticipation to destroy your hopes and dreams, an almost overwhelmingly strong wave of positivity cascades over the Musician. Thoughts wander to back stage parties, hotel foam parties, and Bob Saget Parties. The program finally loads and gates of musical paradise have opened. It’s time to make some music.

Phase 2: Snack Break.

We recommend Gushers. After a grueling fifteen minutes setting up GarageBand with the new Billboard chart topper, a musician wants food that gushes flavor in the same way their fans will be gushing adoration for the rock star’s tight pants. Everyone loves fans. Except for the groupies. Groupies are nasty.

These ladies are definitely not smuggling narcotics... in their noses... and in their bloodstreams.... Okay, they do cocaine.

Phase 3: Choosing a genre.

Usually when someone makes a song, they like to stick with formulas and styles they are comfortable with and have proven successful in the past. Since an up-and-coming musician doesn’t want to make a potentially career altering move so early in the game, a GB Musician must at all costs throw in a hint of every genre they have been exposed to in the last five years. EVERY. GENRE. No exceptions.

June is also my birthday month. This is not a coincidence.

This decision allows the artist to remain “hot and fresh” so as not to become old, stale, and irrelevant like that Bob Dylan guy. If Owl City can hit number one with his monster hit, “Koala Bear Skylines Behind Electric Eel Sunsets” than anyone can, right?

Phase 3: Smoke Break.

If you don’t smoke, skip this step. If you do smoke, this will be the first of many. I hope you bought a new pack of Camel Crushes, because you are going to need them.

Phase 4: Looking around the house for lyrical/band name inspiration.

At this point, the musician understands that the next sentences they write must be the most insightful they have ever penned. They must write something that shows off their caring, thoughtful side, while establishing themselves . The closest thing to them is a lamp, so their song must be about being a light in the darkness.

Watch your back Adele.

But mostly, it’ll come across like a song that was written about a lamp. Also, band names that contain the word Mud or Mudd or any other spelling are gonna have it rough. A musician must spend more time naming the band than actually being in the band. Crucial step.

Phase 6: Lunch Break.

A musician must be careful with their diet. Their body is now a national treasure along the lines of Monica Lewinski’s blue dress. No longer can one eat what they want, but rather, they are confided to the brown-bagged lunches of champions and diplomats.

Coming back! Netflix 2013, baby!

Anything with unnecessary syllables or accents is now their bread and butter. Goodbye chunky chicken noodle with a Snickers, hello Ayam Bakar with a side of Achaar. Which may sound like a plateful of jihad, but actually is quite the tasty Indonesian dish. (We do not condone the eating of snickering puppies. That’s something a meanie pants would do.)

Phase 7: Actually recording musical sounds.

Now that their belly is full of top shelf delicacies, the music must be made. The next two hours will be spent with the tinkering with the distortion on the bass. This is not a fruitful phase. Nothing gets done. Another Camel Crush is consumed.

Phase 8: Talent Haters.

Any successful GB musician will say that a fundamental part of becoming a successful entertainer is addressing those who don’t share the same artistic vision as you. You have to address these people in as many songs as possible, so you can let them haters know who has the true skills. Be sure to reference the haters at any given opportunity, even if there are no haters. The people who say, “We aren’t haters, we just want you to shut up,” are secret haters, and are not to be trusted. When it appears there are no haters, that’s when people hate the most.

Nothing more should be said.

Phase 9: Taking a step back to admire the work.

Another day of music laid to rest.

A musician must be aware of the socio-economic environment they are releasing their music into. Are the people ready? Is it too progressive? Will there be enough room in the mailbag for all the letters of gratitude? The answer is always no, to all of these questions. It’s in a musician’s blood oath to change the landscape of music forever, starting with trimming off the nu-metal leaves. It’s really time to kick that one to the curb.

Yes, people listened to Mudvayne at one point. NEVER FORGET!

Phase 10: Party and Wait for praise.

At this point, a musician will want to turn off all their phones, as they will be ringing off the hook. It’s time to spend some alone time with their thoughts and a mountain of drugs, and exotic animals. It’s time to get so weird they turn into corn.

Not KORN, thank Talos. The C/K is crucial.

At this point, all interest is lost in finishing the project, and it becomes yet another shelved work of genius. Years later, a musician will come across their old pieces of work, and upload them various places in an attempt to raise interest and relevance. However… it will still sound mostly like songs about lamps.



p.s. included is my own landscape shaping piece of futuristic art. Let it load, and revel in my mastery.

This is the pits.

I wandered into the Grinsell Archives. There were no security guards. Just a sign that read “Beware of Dog.” The only thing close to a dog was a man  just chilling playing video games. He looked like a mixture of Karl Marx and Shaquille O’ Neal. I struggled to find a light, but only found cobwebs, an old oil can labeled “Crocodile Rock”, thousands of lost souls, and Rick from Pawn Stars. I fell down a pit and into the abysmal archives. I’m still here. I have been sitting on a skateboard and whistling Andy Griffith’s theme song for two weeks. My fate rests with the hopes that someone will find their way through this negative space. But this whole ordeal brought me to a thought:

Let’s just get this ball rolling.

Ball Pits
Ball Pits are basically the revitalization of religion to kids. Ya know what? If Ball Pits weren’t cluttered in the smog of terrible stories, I’d totally belly flop one of these suckers. Who doesn’t dream of buying a huge ball pit and swim through them like Scrooge McDuck does to his piles of money. (Pretty sure coins coupled with gravity would create a pretty dense product. Think about it. That guy should have straight up broken his face. If not, at least strangled from the weight. You just don’t think about these things when you’re a kid.) Who hasn’t heard a story that sounds like this, “Oh yeah man, I heard that this baby lost his diaper in that ball pit.” Classic baby move. There’s just a pile of feces, throw up, and sweat in these things. That’s why I want to open a Ball Pits 4 Adults store. Like Dave & Busters did to Chuck E, but we’re going to add the ball pit. Or… a Ball Pits 4 Cal store. Y’all can visit. Just no pooping, bro. Weak.

If you look hard enough, you can see a party of cockroaches having a barbecue.

Video Game Pits
Whether it’s Crash Bandicoot or Mario or Lara Croft, these things are cool. Undoubtedly, the most over used obstacle in gaming history, these pits have killed thousands of characters over the years. These murderous mayhems are still straight up the most frustrating ordeals in your daily video game life. …Besides that one schnozzle on CoD. How did he know I was there? Amiright? …More discussion worth bringing up: Where do all the dead Marios go? Or just how far does Crash fall before being spawned back to safety next to the TNT boxes?

Arm Pits
They smell bad, sweat uncontrollably, can turn white shirts into green shirts. They suck. They get all hairy. Arm Pits can go burn in a butt. No analyzing needed here. You all have these moldy guac tubs.

Spike Pits
When I say Spike Pit you might think of Indiana Jones or Mortal Kombat. Maybe you don’t… My mind works weird. But these are classic examples of Spike Pits. You don’t wanna fall in one of these. Because… It’s kill you. Or worse… Stab you. Stabbing and not dying sounds worse to me then just death. Have you guys seen Hot Fuzz? Do you get my reference? Don’t watch this, but here it is:

Peach Pits
They are messy. Get stuck all up in your face. You gotta eat around them to enjoy your tasty healthy snack. Just another example of a bad pit. Peach pits are basically a rock in your snack. Or, an even better metaphor: A kidney stone in your urine. See also, cherry pit.

Got this when I google'd "peach pit." Seems relevant.

Mosh Pit
A dancing group of boys and brave girls where the goal is to physically punish the person next to you for enjoying the same band as you. What is the point of this? Who cares. They’re fun. Jumping on a trampoline doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but that’s fun too.

Mosh Pits are stupid to look at.  I recommend you jump in one at a metal show near you.

Pittsburgh. Big Ben Roethlisberger and smelly exhaust. Another terrible pit. If you’re from Pittsburgh, we’re sorry. Not for saying it’s a terrible city, but more so as condolences for your loss. Also, strong Amish population live in PA. And there’s an Ikea there.

Pit Bull
If it starts with the word ‘pit’, it still counts right? The dog and Cuban rapper think they are relevant. But, really, Pitbull talks through an entire Dr. Pepper commercial and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t say a single word. For some reason, I feel like you should know this.

Pit Stop
Why are you still reading this?

Brad Pitt
The last pit(t). Also, the most beautiful. He’s in Benjamin Button. Have you guys seen this movie? I think John Maynard Keynes, Milton Friedman, Adam Smith, and I could play seven rounds of Monopoly before that movie ends. Also, Fight Club is awesome. I would also like to point out that Brad Pitt was in Troy, which made some money, but I have never seen it. And Brad Pitt dumped one of my favorite celebrities, Gwyneth Paltrow, for one of my least favorite, Angelina Jolie. I find her incredibly ugly? Am I the only one? I think my two least favorite actresses are Michelle Rodriguez and Angelina Jolie. No one cares about this. I was just bringing up that Brad Pitt is totally a pit. And therefore gets mentioned.

This isn't even gay.

I swear. I can write blog posts on the dumbest things. See: above
Did I miss some pits? Lemme know in the comments. I swear, the community here at the Fwaah Comments is straight up the coolest community on the webs. Wait… No… It’s actually pretty pathetic.

Fwaah, Cal

Island Rules or LOST Without Your Uncle

As we delve deeper and deeper into the Grinsell Archives, we find that nothing is as it seems. Rights are Ringos, Lefts are Louies, and people brush their teeth while drinking orange juice. It’s a mad mad mad mad world. Still really dark too, the interior decorator had no idea what to do with all this negative space. Boo.

Do you remember that one uncle you didn’t know you had? No. Of course you don’t you silly goose. That doesn’t make any sense at all. However! You definitely remembered him when he kicked the bucket and left you a bunch of stuff you didn’t even know you needed, like exotic animalsexotic money, and sunscreen. Initially, this may overwhelm you, as you have no place to put such exotic things, but your uncle wouldn’t leave you hanging!

The dude left you an island. Yeah. An island.

Let that sink in... You have an island.

Now that you have your own little sandy outpost in the tropics, you are the coolest dude in school. If you are a girl, you are still the coolest dude in school. It’s just simply how the island thing works. Deal with it, or don’t own an island. You’re going to go with the island, and we all know it. With great tropical retreat comes great tropical responsibility. You’re going to need island rules if you want to avoid a Castaway-Lord of the Flies situation every other Thursday.

Which brings me to another classic WTFwaah Guide to Life and Living: My Rules for My Own Tropical Island.

1. If and When a death occurs, we will not immediately mourn, but celebrate the life that our fallen friend experienced. Fireworks, speed boats, Froot Loops, and tiki parties will commence as soon as the news is spread.

This is how we begin the grieving process.

Following the death celebration, we will have a life memorial, where we all reminisce on the good times we had together, and the deceased is shot out of a cannon.

2. There will be weekly water wars set up something like this.

Props to r/trees for masterminding this... thing.

Each person will get a pair of the American Gladiator Q-Tip batons with which to do battle. The winning team gets a dinner prepared by the losing team, and the losing team gets a house party hosted by the winning team. We’re all winners. Isn’t that nice?

3. The main source of transportation around the island will be the Pokémon Snap car.

If this means nothing to you... I am sorry.

Logically, the Island will be full of Pokémon, roaming free enjoying the sunshine with their human companions. Only Safari balls please, as we want to preserve the beauty of Pokémon/Human camaraderie! Seeing as how Pokémon Snap was the most out-of-the-blue amazing Pokémon game, it seems only right that we honor its legacy in our sunshine wonderland.


It's exactly what you think it is.

Girl Scout cookies are a year round dessert option. When I say they are a dessert option, I mean the cookies are to be devoured with reckless abandon anytime your heart desires half a box of Tag-a-longs or Thin Mints. Okay, a whole box. Who the heck eats only half a box? The eating guidelines for Girl Scout cookies stick to the rule of threes: Eat a box now, save a box to be eaten tomorrow night, and freeze a box to eat during the Girl Scout famine.

Sidenote: Girl Scouts are the perfect example of American capitalism and a supply/demand relationship. The mark-up on those things has to be at least 8000%.

5. Education is free and freeform. Simply because student loans suck, 400 person lectures suck, and in this country we all share the pain.

My son... you have been misled.

Subjects to be taught get voted upon by the island’s population, then the most respectable teaching guy in that field of study gets flown out for a crash course.


Pictured is our resident professor, with resident sense of humor. He's tenured or something... whatever.

6. Happy catacombs.  That’s right, fun indoors and underground is possible if the sun is not your best friend. Catacombs get a bad rap cuz they are usually all haunted by some thousand year old curse, but I’m talking about an entire underground paradise where every room is full of whatever strikes your fancy. Ball pit bath-tubskoala hugging rooms, and places for the best of the best family vacations. Basically, if you can dream it, we can do it. The catacombs are where your dreams are no longer dreams, but realities. Minus the whole “creepy labyrinth of tombs” thing.

Silly kitty! CatAcombs, Not cat combs!

7. Billy Mays. He never died, he just went home. That beard cannot be defeated. This version of Billy Mays is done taking calls and selling detergent. He organizes an all-island paintball game on the first Wednesday of every month. Those tornado sirens you hear are actually Billy’s hair follicles shouting their war cry. The teams are: Billy Mays in Blue, everyone else who’s going to lose in Red. But he’s a good sport about it.

He gets really into it. The dude is seriously intense.

So there it is! There could easily be another twelve points, but perhaps those will be saved for another day. And since you were all wondering, the name of my island is: Moderation, Because everything is better in moderation.

Happiness will abound in Moderation, Sexy people roam free in Moderation, and No tears will be shed in Moderation, unless you are someone who was given an all-powerful, all-knowing island that warps time and space, knowing your every thought and carefully watches over you, and you still manage to screw it up, causing anger and riots from the most loyal television fanbase ever.

Yeah Jack, we're all sad. But it's okay, you can come play on my island.



Movie Monday

Movie Monday post.

Today’s movies are brought to you by the letter: Valentine’s Day

We’re so mature here at the Fwaah.