random thoughts to confuse and enlighten.

Archive for the ‘Minnesota’ Category

Short Story

Two rabbits take turns traveling trails citing tales of lost tails. Nevertheless, these rabbits, Bob and Nathan, travel mistakenly into a tribe, or, at least, a flock. “Good morning” says TRIBE MEMBER #1 to Bob and Nathan, but he continued, “It, however, is not morning – or is it?”

“It is not,” concludes Bob. 

“It is not,” TRIBE MEMBER #1 concurs. 

A trail often leads to a tribe, or, at least, a flock, but that doesn’t mean it is worthwhile. 

Not Buying It

Journeying for the first time into the Grinsell Archives, I stumble upon a calendar. But this is no ordinary calendar, there are bears in it, and these bears have something to say to me, although I can’t quite decipher what it is. So I ignore the bears and realize that my pointer finger is indicating that Tonight Daylight Savings Time is enacted. However, I don’t buy it.

Time is a funny thing, it is the only thing that is unwavering regardless of anything else the universe has to say.  Time is thee most monotonus idea ever.  Then somebody throws in Daylight Savings Time, and everything goes wack. Spring ahead, fall back, all this one hour nonsense.

How bout this, I say no to DST.  I don’t believe in it anymore, what’s the point? All it does is cause loss of sleep and having to touch your dusty clocks, and then realize that your clocks need dusting. Nobody likes dusting, it’s all… dusty. Just ask this girl.

Speaking of things I don’t believe in, 3D movies. Those are not things anymore.  Yes, in the 90s they were cool and innovating, but now? Now every movie is in 3D, movies are expensive as it is, but two more dongos for a pair of annoying glasses and things flying at you for two hours. I’d rather eat pickles, thank you.

Speaking of pickles. I scoff at those who eat things unpleasant to their taste buddies.  Why not eat only food that is a wonderful kitty tea party in your mouth?  Bad tasting food, no matter how healthy, can’t be good for you! If you don’t want to eat it, then that is saying something about your body that doesn’t want that food in there.  Besides, there are plenty of healthy foods that anyone can enjoy, like these! Wait, scratch that, those aren’t so great for the bod. Maybe I should rethink some things.

fwaah

-CJ

Becoming a musician or GarageBand made me who I am.

Yet another expedition into the Grinsell archives yields a fruitful bounty of blogs and Nesquik mix. However, as I shuffle through the darkness my ears catch a faint whistling echo in the distance. ”Merely the wind,” I say as I brush off my dusty memories of old sheriffs and Barney Fife. I continue my journey, with the determination of a guido at a nightclub, but I can’t help but think that some music would indeed lighten the mood as the cold dark surrounds me…

Oh, so it’s Thursday? That means the only class you have is a discussion for an introductory course on scratching your butt. You already have a B in that so there’s really no reason you should wake up before ten-thirty. Once the relentless sunshine rustles you from your slumber, you realize you got nothing to do today. You could sit on the couch and doing homework scratching your butt and it wouldn’t even matter! So you whip out the Mac Book and suddenly it hits you. Today, you are becoming a musician. And it’s all thanks to this little guy.

Actual guitar and talent not included.

A Day in the Life of a GarageBand Musician.

Phase 1: Optimism.

Optimism. A deadly first timer's mistake.

As the little guitar icon bounces up and down in eager anticipation to destroy your hopes and dreams, an almost overwhelmingly strong wave of positivity cascades over the Musician. Thoughts wander to back stage parties, hotel foam parties, and Bob Saget Parties. The program finally loads and gates of musical paradise have opened. It’s time to make some music.

Phase 2: Snack Break.

We recommend Gushers. After a grueling fifteen minutes setting up GarageBand with the new Billboard chart topper, a musician wants food that gushes flavor in the same way their fans will be gushing adoration for the rock star’s tight pants. Everyone loves fans. Except for the groupies. Groupies are nasty.

These ladies are definitely not smuggling narcotics... in their noses... and in their bloodstreams.... Okay, they do cocaine.

Phase 3: Choosing a genre.

Usually when someone makes a song, they like to stick with formulas and styles they are comfortable with and have proven successful in the past. Since an up-and-coming musician doesn’t want to make a potentially career altering move so early in the game, a GB Musician must at all costs throw in a hint of every genre they have been exposed to in the last five years. EVERY. GENRE. No exceptions.

June is also my birthday month. This is not a coincidence.

This decision allows the artist to remain “hot and fresh” so as not to become old, stale, and irrelevant like that Bob Dylan guy. If Owl City can hit number one with his monster hit, “Koala Bear Skylines Behind Electric Eel Sunsets” than anyone can, right?

Phase 3: Smoke Break.

If you don’t smoke, skip this step. If you do smoke, this will be the first of many. I hope you bought a new pack of Camel Crushes, because you are going to need them.

Phase 4: Looking around the house for lyrical/band name inspiration.

At this point, the musician understands that the next sentences they write must be the most insightful they have ever penned. They must write something that shows off their caring, thoughtful side, while establishing themselves . The closest thing to them is a lamp, so their song must be about being a light in the darkness.

Watch your back Adele.

But mostly, it’ll come across like a song that was written about a lamp. Also, band names that contain the word Mud or Mudd or any other spelling are gonna have it rough. A musician must spend more time naming the band than actually being in the band. Crucial step.

Phase 6: Lunch Break.

A musician must be careful with their diet. Their body is now a national treasure along the lines of Monica Lewinski’s blue dress. No longer can one eat what they want, but rather, they are confided to the brown-bagged lunches of champions and diplomats.

Coming back! Netflix 2013, baby!

Anything with unnecessary syllables or accents is now their bread and butter. Goodbye chunky chicken noodle with a Snickers, hello Ayam Bakar with a side of Achaar. Which may sound like a plateful of jihad, but actually is quite the tasty Indonesian dish. (We do not condone the eating of snickering puppies. That’s something a meanie pants would do.)

Phase 7: Actually recording musical sounds.

Now that their belly is full of top shelf delicacies, the music must be made. The next two hours will be spent with the tinkering with the distortion on the bass. This is not a fruitful phase. Nothing gets done. Another Camel Crush is consumed.

Phase 8: Talent Haters.

Any successful GB musician will say that a fundamental part of becoming a successful entertainer is addressing those who don’t share the same artistic vision as you. You have to address these people in as many songs as possible, so you can let them haters know who has the true skills. Be sure to reference the haters at any given opportunity, even if there are no haters. The people who say, “We aren’t haters, we just want you to shut up,” are secret haters, and are not to be trusted. When it appears there are no haters, that’s when people hate the most.

Nothing more should be said.

Phase 9: Taking a step back to admire the work.

Another day of music laid to rest.

A musician must be aware of the socio-economic environment they are releasing their music into. Are the people ready? Is it too progressive? Will there be enough room in the mailbag for all the letters of gratitude? The answer is always no, to all of these questions. It’s in a musician’s blood oath to change the landscape of music forever, starting with trimming off the nu-metal leaves. It’s really time to kick that one to the curb.

Yes, people listened to Mudvayne at one point. NEVER FORGET!

Phase 10: Party and Wait for praise.

At this point, a musician will want to turn off all their phones, as they will be ringing off the hook. It’s time to spend some alone time with their thoughts and a mountain of drugs, and exotic animals. It’s time to get so weird they turn into corn.

Not KORN, thank Talos. The C/K is crucial.

At this point, all interest is lost in finishing the project, and it becomes yet another shelved work of genius. Years later, a musician will come across their old pieces of work, and upload them various places in an attempt to raise interest and relevance. However… it will still sound mostly like songs about lamps.

Fwaah

-a

p.s. included is my own landscape shaping piece of futuristic art. Let it load, and revel in my mastery.

Valentine’s Advice or The Power of Love

Today we bring you a recently excavated entry from the Grinsell Archives. This one was guarded by stabby things, magicky things, and dark scary things. For real, has nobody else gone into the archives? It’s dangerous as heck down there. There aren’t even any night lights! There should be some night lights.

First off, I’d like to give a shout out to Cal on the last blog for bringing up old wounds that never truly heal. I loved that chair and that chair loved me. If you have no idea what I’m talking about scroll down a page and read Cal’s 2012 Presidential Bid.

Onwards!

The first month of the New Year is conquered, and February is upon us. You all know what that means… Black History Month and Valentine’s Day related things are going to be popping up everywhere. So, in classic WTFwaah fashion, I am going against the grain: this post is dedicated to all the single white ladies that have never felt racial oppression, nor had a man sweep you off your feet on a date that ended in a foot popping kiss. This one’s for you.

You all know what I'm talking about.

Now the thing about Valentine’s Day, is that it divides our nation, even more so than the 100th meridian west, or racial segregation. The power of love is just that strong. You either love it or hate it. You hardly hear anyone say, “You know what I’m kinda just okay with? All pink everything, extremely gratuitous PDA, and medically inaccurate depictions of hearts everywhere.” No. You do not hear that anywhere. Either you are going all out for V-Day, or you and you (in)significant other will find other ways to spend your time. Either way is totally, 100% acceptable, but WTFwaah is here to help ensure that you have the most positive Valentine’s experience possible.

First! Don’t simply “forget” about Valentine’s. This is a rookie mistake, and many have had to deal with the consequences that follow. The “badness” of doing so falls slightly in-between forgetting your anniversary, and forgetting who Johnny Depp played in the movie Blow. (It was George Jung the drug kingpin, by the way, who happens to be getting out of prison in a couple years. After his release, he’ll probably just go to Miami and go to bed.) Nobody likes to be forgotten, especially on a day devoted to mushy-gushy stuff. Despite your protests, the day is all about romance.

Darn right it is, you ungrateful kid. And you're gonna love every minute.

If you are anti-Valentines, that’s cool. We get it. We are an understanding folk here at Fwaah Central, and believe in the freedom to abstain from certain holidays. It really isn’t for everybody, but be careful about how Grinchy you get with your feelings towards the holiday, as nobody wants to spend a passionate night with the Scrooge of Who-ville.

The last time this guy had a date, Bela Lugosi was still alive.

The last time this guy had a date, Bela Lugosi was still alive.

If you choo-choo-choose to refrain from the celebrations with your partner, try to think of things to do other than complain about how awful Valentine’s is. Yes, we are all aware that stores and businesses capitalize on the commercialism during any holiday season, but this is America! Land of the brave, the free, the capitalist, and the cowboy. Go out and do something, spend time with the lady or gent that you fancy. Even if you are against the holiday, the fact that you acknowledged your loved one will make them feel special. Don’t simply sit on some social network protesting “Single Awareness Day.” This is about as cool as hosting an anti-prom party with the neighbor kids because you couldn’t work up the guts to ask Susie to the dance. Shame.

Unless the alt-prom was this. Nobody is ever that happy in those leggings.

On the other end of the spectrum, please don’t rub your unrelenting affection in other peoples faces. Most normal people can be happy for someone who has found their “other half”, but the line gets drawn if you can’t go more than fifteen minutes without sending each other lovey-dovey messages saturated with nonsensical baby talk, or shamelessly necking at any point of the day you aren’t busy breathing. It’s icky to watch and you sound like hormonal walruses.

Do you really want to share a pool with these two? Yuck.

Perhaps instead of an all day snog-fest, you could save the tonsil hockey for after a candle lit dinner on the beachfront as you sample many exotic wines and cheeses. Being lactose intolerant, I will not be partaking in the cheese sampling, as even writing about the stuff makes me more bloated than a starfish. So any ladies who dig curdled dairy, I’m your man. However, I am no longer available as the one and only Zooey D. has lovingly invited me into her kitchen to fan the flames of our romance.

Look at the desire in her eyes... and mine.

One love, everybody. Even after February 14th.

Hey! I made it all the way through a blog without referencing a video I made, or something that included my cat.

Psych! Two birds stoned at once.

-a

Things do when you’re sad! Or… The Day SOPA/PIPA Stopped Everything.

Another lost article from the Grinsell Archives. All the information in this post is true, except for the parts after this notification. Only the names, dates, double dates, and information has been changed.
This post is brought to you by the word: “Alternative.” 

Is the internet down? Well What The Fwaah is up with that? Seems like all your online resources have taken a little vacation to stand up to an oppressive government? Well it is probably true. I need to take a moment to correct a tagline from HBO’s “Game of Thrones”: Winter isn’t coming… Winter is here. The cold frigid air sweeps over our brown snowless landscapes of Minne-where’s-the-Snowta,
(Can I interject here for a moment? Where’s da snow?! FOR REAL!)
and the cold emptiness of a Wikipedia-less internet chills the bone. It truly is the chilliest day of the year, and it is only the 18th day of the year. That doesn’t leave many days, many days at all. BUT! There is hope and warmth ahead, for WTFwaah brings you happy alternatives in the cold darkness.

Enough weird… ONTO THE LIST!

Although today is a dark day, this is not a post about BEING sad, but fun alternatives! When the internet goes down… the people… occupy…. Themselves. Man I should have thought of something really powerful to go there. I’m just not cut out for the epic speeches game. These things will surely put a smile on your face unless you are a crabby Scrooge.

Or a crabby Scrooge McDuck.

5. Pet a kitten. Punch a llama.

Kittens are cuddly. This is a fact. Even if you are allergic, hate cats, or have had some traumatizing event in your life that has left you physically or emotionally scarred by our feline friends, you can’t deny the fact that a warm cuddly kitten is hard to beat.

I have found my future pillow.

Llamas? Not so much. My llama hating days started with Tina and Napoleon when that stupid creature refused to eat it’s dinner. Plus, when you shave a llama they look like a dork. Look. It’s face seriously needs to be punchatized.

Punch me, Jay! Punch me!

4. Give yourself a high five.

This is the saddest one on our list. Not because it doesn’t work, but because it is the most misunderstood. When seeing someone give themselves a high-five one might be filled with sympathy or pity. However, the feeling one gets when a truly successful self-five is administered is second only to the feeling of putting on a brand new pair of warm socks.

This guy don't know nothing 'bout nothing.

3. Grow a mustache. (Or make a fake one!)

Enough said.

2. Watch WerewolfCircus videos. (whatthefwaah is an acceptable alternative.)

They should start calling my posts the “Shameless Plug Station” because I manage to bring some awesome thing that I’ve done with my friends into it. However, this one will actually most likely brighten your day. Our silly antics of years past highlights just the right amount of amazing creativity and inspiration that was bestowed upon us from the heavens, paired with the intensity and bravado that would accompany us for years to come.

My sister’s elementary school class is our main draw for views these days, so I figured I’d try and squeeze a last few drops of fame out of our YouTube appearances.

Finally…

1. Play any form of the “wear silly hats” game.

This is a perfect alternative to most disappointing things in life. I have a slightly controversial view that if can be placed upon your head it is a hat.

Cat Hat.

This is a life changing realization and one of the most significant moments in my life. Think about it… if it can go on your head it’s a hat. Bags, books, pillows, cats, tables, bananas, phones… the world. Ever heard the phrase: “The world is yours?” Well I take my own spin on that: “The World is your hat.” Think about it, it’s a beautiful world., and a beautiful hat.

Because Bulls are people too... even without Jordan.

Since this post is all about alternatives, I would feel greatly amiss if I didn’t have an incredible alternative to the number one alternative. The Ministry of Silly Walks is an obvious alternative. It also happens to be an unbelievably awesome alternative as well. This of course is implied because The Ministry of Silly Walks is alternatively one of the funniest things the python trope ever did. Enjoy your day filled of silliness.

fwaah the government.

and since I’m getting a small amount of traffic i just wanna post some things that you can do to help raise awareness about SOPA/PIPA since it is kinda lame…

Wikipedia’s Page about SOPA and PIPA so you can get informed on what these bills are and how they affect you.
Google’s Petition.
Reddit’s Petition.
Wikipedia’s Easy search engine to look up your local congress to show support, and FAQ.

Take 2 minutes? Enjoy the sillies.

-a

 

edit: THIS will literally help you make a call to your senator. you’ll likely get the machine 😛 it’s awesome. i’m not even kidding.

Wendy’s Done Right: A Short Excerpt to a Fast Food Guide

This document was recovered from the hidden vaults of the Grinsell Archives. Nothing has been changed or altered, what you read is up to you, but be prepared for widsom and confusion.

The clock rolls over. It’s 1 AM. You got that hunger. The pain, it won’t subside. You crave that one specific taste and nothing will do until you have it. You now have but one goal, one penultimate destination that every fiber of your being is called to: You have been summoned to Wendy’s.

If you haven’t experience the fast food wonderment that is Wendy’s all I can give to you is my most sincere condolences. The amount of joy that courses through my very being is immeasurable as I make my way down the highway, knowing that in a few short minutes I will be devouring a banquet of greasy goodness. I implore you, my dear reader, to live in squalor and poverty no longer, but to hasten your search for the splendorous bounty of Wendy and Dave Thomas.

I shall go where your fryness commands me.

First things first, any time spent planning or executing a Wendy’s run is time well spent. A second is never wasted thinking about the juicy freshly cooked delights that await a weary traveler as he stumbles out of the cold into the golden warmth of a Wendy’s. This is merely a guideline to acquire the most pleasant experience possible. As positive thinking should always fuel Wendy’s, and one should never go to Wendy’s strictly out of spite. In fact, Wendy’s should exist completely spite free, it just doesn’t go with Applewood Smoked Bacon.

To begin: You’ll want to plan a driver.

These two images were on the same page. Hmmmm...

I googled “chauffeur.” Apparently shutterstock believes driving cars requires you to be a light brown minority with sharp pointed mutton chop side burns and a pencil thin goatee. Who knew? I didn’t, but I do now.

The reason for the driver is so that you can focus all your attention on the feast at hand. It will require all your attention as it should be the only thing on your mind. Nothing else should cloud your conscience then getting your hands on those sea-salted fries. The person you appoint the duties of the driver to should be a seasoned Wendy’s veteran, ready to field all your Wendy’s related questions or concerns.

Skilled like this lady, but a lifelong expert of art of the Baconator.

On your way to Wendy’s be sure to point and laugh at all the other restaurant options that pale in comparison to the delicacy of Wendy’s.

In my personal situation, a White Castle to the west is visible from the parking lot of the Wendy’s. As if they intended to attract a specific group of people used to royal surroundings. Ain’t no royalty live in no White Castle! It’s the little redhead neighbor girl who knows how to tend to your hunger pains. The White Castle has been the unwilling recipient of many a sneer or look of disapproval as I cruise past to the land of the Baconator.

They truly are the less fortunate, and they deserve our scoff.

Although I could discuss the wonders of the Wendy’s for days, I have not the time or the space to do so. Finally, I leave you with this.

Be shameless.

When you have a date with Wendy, you two are the only people in the world. Remove yourself from these insignificant ideas of dignity and self-control. Get that Triple Baconator. Why not? You know what goes great with a Triple Baconator? A large fry with a gallon of Dr. Pepper. You bet it does. So what if the lady behind the window gives you a weird look as you pick up six Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers, this night isn’t about her. It’s about you, that meal, and the clear, crisp air that comes along the cool breeze of evening. Tonight, we’re getting Wendy’s.

Long Live... Russia I guess.

and that is how you fwaah.

-a

Forgotten Importance

Hello Fwaah-er’s, it has been quite a while. We here at What the fwaah wish you a belated happy holidays and a very happy New Year as well.

On a more serious note, I bring to you a story, one of sadness, blandness, loss, and hope. This is the story of Lake City. Many of you may have heard of Lake City, MN, because of the recent news of the shooting of a police officer. However I am here today to alert you of a much more depressing, frustrating, and pressing matter.  I am here to make you all aware of the Lake City High School Mascot. LCHS is known as, “the lake school” or “that one school that’s on that lake”. Unfortunately, creativity was thrown out the window when deciding what the Lake City High School mascot should be, creativity was instead replaced with repugnant, putrid, disgusting unoriginality. The Lake City High School mascot is a Tiger 

 

This is a Tiger and its little Tiger Cub

 

This is a Lake

as you can see, Tiger’s are not related to Lakes in almost any way. I cannot express how maddening this little city has been for me to think about, and the thought of it doesn’t leave my head.

here is a list of names that are acceptable for a place called Lake City.

The Lakers     The Sailors   The Fish   The Fishermen   The Seahawks   The Seagulls

Any of the above names would be millions of times better than the Tigers. Maybe someday, someone from Lake City will read this blog and realize what a Travesty and a laughingstock their high school must be and will attempt to fix this mess.

Until then,

Fwaah