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Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

Top Five Holiday Movies on This Particular List of Holiday Movies!

Hello hello hello to all of our listeners out there! It’s another wonderful day in the ever so lovely Minnesota winter. It’s a classic snow filled day leading up to the holidays and we (me) thought that we (me) should spread a little holiday cheer with the Top Five Holiday Movies on This Particular List of Holiday Movies!

That’s right everyone, we’re doing a list post! Why, you ask? Because list posts are easy to read, easy to write, people love them, and because this is my (our) blog and what I (we) say goes. So if you don’t like lists… then go jump off a bridge or something because lists are awesome.

ANYWAY!


A Christmas Story is simply that: a Christmas tale from the viewpoint of “Ralphie,” a boy who just wants a BB gun for the holidays. He ventures out with his gang of buddies and little brother “Randy” in tow to ask Santa to secure for him an “Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle.” Time and time again he is shot down  by adult after adult with the same boring answer, “You’ll shoot your eye out kid.” Over the course of the film Ralphie fights bullies, dreams his teachers are witches, eats duck for dinner (Fah-rah-rah-rah-rah…), gets his friend’s tongue stuck to a pole, and (of course) nearly shoots his eye out. A must watch classic that truly never ages.


First off, if you don’t like the Muppets stop reading this blog. I will not have my view count raised by people who think that Jim Henson’s life work is anything less than stellar. I dislike you as a person and you smell bad.

Now that THAT is out of the way, we come to The Muppet Christmas Carol. A heartwarming retelling of the Charles Dickens classic with a unique Muppets twist that should be a staple in your holiday season. This movie is watched every year at my house, and will be long after I have passed away. The entire cast is here from the antics of Gonzo and Rizzo to the unstoppable love Kermit has for Miss Piggy, the Muppets truly make this classic tale their own. The Muppets shine as their unique brand of children’s-humor-laced-with-subliminal-adult-themes is in top-notch form here, and the puppets’ charm is enough to melt even Scrooge’s heart.

Sidenote, Michael Caine is awesome and he plays Scrooge. Awesome.


Elf. Arguably Will Ferrell’s best role behind Ron Burgandy, Buddy the elf shines as one of the most memorable Christmas characters in history. Buddy’s innocence and good intentions are almost painfully sweet as he tries to warm the heart of James Caan, his father. Which, understandably, is quite a formidable task. Filled with wonder and Christmas spirit, Buddy the elf takes us on a tour of modern day New York City, and shows us that even in a grown-up world, there’s room to be a kid.

Sidenote, if you think Buddy the elf is a fantastic Halloween costume, you’re probably right. But if you aren’t careful you can end up looking like this.

He's clearly saying "Whoa now! You don't wanna piece of this."


Usually I rather dislike the types of movies where everything starts out great for the main character and then some dumb character gets added to the equation and things get progressively worse. This is not the case for this movie, mainly because this movie is unbelievably funny. With Chevy Chase reprising his best role as Clark Griswold, Christmas Vacation breaths life into the ever-boring movie genre of, “what could possibly go wrong next?” When Clark’s extended family comes to stay with him for the holidays, things go from bad (an overcooked turkey that spews out black smoke) to worse (kidnapping his boss after getting shafted on his christmas bonus) to horrific (when Clark accidently makes a cat explode). Instead of just waiting for the train wreck to be over, you find yourself rooting for Clark as tidings of comfort and joy transform into nervous breakdowns and septic tank problems. Still funny after every viewing and teaches you how to properly wax a saucer sled!


Finally, bringing up the rear is none other than the Schwarz himself.  After bodybuilding but before his career as the Governor of California, Arnold found himself fighting Sinbad for the last “Turboman” action doll in New York. Arnold is prime in this movie as he is stretched to his limits to find the season’s hottest toy for his son. He manages to get himself in and out of various dangerous situations and ends up learning a lot about what family really means blah blah blah, enough with all the sappy stuff. This movie is hilarious. Arnold screams at the top of his lungs in his unmistakable accent at every given point throughout the movie, and it never disappoints once. Seriously, just watch the movie. The only thing missing is Arnold screaming about getting to a choppa’ or shooting up a bunch of robots.

And that just about wraps us up! If anyone wants to discuss the merit of each film on its own… that’s what the comment section is for you silly goose! I could go on and on about each of these movies if I really wanted to, but I don’t.

Fwaah.

Honorable mention for those who like a little crazy in their holidays.

A Christmas Nana Won't Soon Forget.

 

-adam

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What is Space Jam? (Some thoughts and findings…)

We all as humans have found ourselves looking up to the heavens. Wondering, trying to comprehend what kind of cosmic forces could have come together in such perfect harmony quite like the NBA and animation powerhouses of the 90’s to create the breathtakingly complex, Space Jam. But what is the Big SJ really?

Well it’s a vehicle of supreme high life 90’s nostalgia racing around the hearts of every twentysomething whether they know it or not. A little bit of Space Jam lives in all of us. Michael Jordan is simply the greatest basketball player ever to walk (or perhaps AirWalk…) the earth, and to AirWalk into our hearts.

I know I would...

Yeah…. Go ahead and say that you wouldn’t, we all know you would.

Through the eyes of the SJ camera Michael Jordan was forever revered as the king of  the basketball court. His biggest critics may try to remember MJ as a ball-hog trash-talker instead of a team leader; the centerpiece in the legacy of the late 90’s Bulls; or try to make it seem MJ couldn’t let a good thing like six rings, come to a clean end after Jordan’s admittedly feeble attempt at a comeback, (to get a seventh ring to go with his six rings,) with the Wizards from ’01 to ’03. People holding these sentiments chip away at the pure ivory (ebony?) statue of basketball history he left behind. However Jordan holds over nineteen thousand NBA records including (but not limited to): six rings, the highest career regular season scoring average, best bod, and winner of the Michael Jordan look-alike contest fifteen years in a row.

For real, he has six rings.
And the Loony Toons?

The Loony Toons are an almost equally powerful force of good as MJ. Bringing laughter, clean slapstick humor, and silly hijinks with significantly less racist overtones than Disney for decades.

Nappy Hair.

This movie has never been officially released… do you really wonder why?

The Loony Toons have always been a good for a solid chuckle or a thought such as, “I didn’t know you could put a frying pan there…” or “That cat REALLY wants that mouse for something…” But “What is Space Jam?” is a bigger question than what one may initially think. As I did some research into the question looking past the surface, I came across several shocking revelations that really shook me to my core. Upon researching many sample populations, data points, and scholarly articles, I was struck with the shock and horror that not everyone has seen Space Jam. My future children can expect to be exposed to Space Jam approximately ten seconds after relocation from the womb. It will be the easiest transition from a life of warm comfort and satisfaction into this desolate wasteland of a planet… a desolate wasteland that’s brightest shining light is the wonderment that is Space Jam.

Despite these FACTS of life, people are still non-believers in the beauty of “The Jam.” I compared a million things, compiled the data, and was shocked to find these results.

An unbelievable amount of child labor went into making these images.

This makes sense.

Followed by…

Seriously, the kids make like ten cents an image.

If you have seen Space Jam, you know this follows logically.

But this….

The pixel-to-cash ratio is pretty much rock bottom. It's sad really...

This is horrific and terrifying.

This makes me feel sad and scared for our county’s future. There are people likely running for office that have never had an opportunity to lay witness to a confrontation between the ToonSquad’s array of colorful, Warner Bros. branded, basketball warriors, and the once small, kinda powerful aliens from outer space who are just a general annoyance, the MonStars. How can so many live what they believe are to be happy lives when they haven’t experienced that moment when the belief of your ability to fly overcomes all obstacles. So remember kids… Friends don’t let friends live a Space Jam-less life. Let’s see if we can build a better tomorrow, today. With daffy too.

MJ imparting some of his timeless wisdom upon one lucky duck.

SIDENOTE!

Bill Murray was in this movie. Seriously, how much amazingness can one movie fit into one VHS tape…

It's true!

No Bill... You're Awesome.

-Adam

fwaah.

Dinosaurs

The only thing better than a Tyrannosaurus Rex is two Tyrannosaurus Rex.
What is better than two Tyrannosaurus Rex?  Nothing.

Dinosaurs are awesome. They’re big and eat humans. Animals that eat humans are cooler than those who don’t.

Proof: Animal Greatness Theorem of Law.
Animal that has large teeth used to tear human bodies > Animals that frolic in daisies and terd nuggets.  
Bears > Chickens
Sharks > Llamas
Wolves > Butterflies

Dinosaurs are the ultimate. They would gladly go up to a human and proclaim, “Get this puny peach sack of lard and useless brains in my face.” Our brains make us capable of fighting back, but if were to take on a dinosaur one V. one… Our brains are just a nice side dish.

Little known fact, Dinosaurs enjoy full course meals. Appetizers, steak, and dessert.

You know what’d make a really fwaah’n good film? Zombie Dinosaurs.

fwaah.

EDIT://

“This ain’t a war, anymore than a war between men and maggots. Or, dragons and wolves. Or, men riding dragons, throwing wolves at maggots.” – Scary Movie 4

This quote was brought up by a friend, Conrad. Let’s discuss this.
Conrad says:
Dragon riding men equipped with Wolf darts > Baker’s Dozen Tyrannosaurus Rex
However. These dragons need to be more well defined. There is the Mulan Eddie Murphy dragon and the ‘Reign of Fire’ dragon.

This is a dragon that you do not fwaah with.

Or the super awesome dragon in “How to Train Your Dragon.”

This movie was awesome. Dragons are way better than dogs or cats or air.

However. We all know that these dragon are going to be that classic medieval dragon that can breathe fire, fly, and eat people. Which is important, as per the theorem says. So right now we have two animals that both eat humans: T-Rex and Dragons. Therefore, 1 Dragon > 1 T-Rex, but 2 Dragons < 2 T-Rex. Here me out: Dragons can fly and breathe fire, but nothing is better than two T-Rex. Everybody knows that. But a dragon is pretty darn close. So the problem now is that we add men wielding wolf knives. Wolves are not trust-worthy knives. It’s not their main objective. They were not created to be thrown at T-Rex or any other target a projectile might be used for. First off, wolves would be great against other humans, but a T-Rex could take on a wolf. Not even a close fight. And you would have to throw at least six wolves to bother a T-Rex. And there’s no way 6 wolves would sit on the back of a dragon and be chill about being thrown at anything. Wolves travel in packs too. So just having your one wolf is not good enough. A wolf > human anyways. A wolf would kill the human and then chill on the dragon til the dragon kills the wolf. So the ‘men with wolves’ is moot.

If the dragons were able to:
1. Give a shit. (Dragons are not about to fight together. They’d rather just chill around and be awesome.)
2. Work together.
3. Get rid of the humans. (They smell, are fat, are peach sacks, and try to be heroes.)

T-Rex can work together. Any doubters? Jurassic Park: Lost World. Fact.

I think that it comes down to numbers. I think that a dragon equals a 0.9 on the win scale (A dragon with men wielding wolves is a 0.75). A T-Rex equals a 0.85. However, two T-Rex equals a 2.0. The highest number you can achieve. There’s nothing better than 2 T-Rex. So for every two T-Rex, you would need 2.2 (repeating, of course) dragons.

So for our scenario of a baker’s dozen T-Rex:
13 T-Rex = 12(2.0) + 0.85 = 24.85 win. Therefore, there would need to be:
34 men riding dragons, throwing wolves to beat 13 T-Rex or
28 Dragons to beat 13 T-rex.

Confused? Probably. Enlightened? Yes.

fwaah