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Wendy’s Done Right: A Short Excerpt to a Fast Food Guide

This document was recovered from the hidden vaults of the Grinsell Archives. Nothing has been changed or altered, what you read is up to you, but be prepared for widsom and confusion.

The clock rolls over. It’s 1 AM. You got that hunger. The pain, it won’t subside. You crave that one specific taste and nothing will do until you have it. You now have but one goal, one penultimate destination that every fiber of your being is called to: You have been summoned to Wendy’s.

If you haven’t experience the fast food wonderment that is Wendy’s all I can give to you is my most sincere condolences. The amount of joy that courses through my very being is immeasurable as I make my way down the highway, knowing that in a few short minutes I will be devouring a banquet of greasy goodness. I implore you, my dear reader, to live in squalor and poverty no longer, but to hasten your search for the splendorous bounty of Wendy and Dave Thomas.

I shall go where your fryness commands me.

First things first, any time spent planning or executing a Wendy’s run is time well spent. A second is never wasted thinking about the juicy freshly cooked delights that await a weary traveler as he stumbles out of the cold into the golden warmth of a Wendy’s. This is merely a guideline to acquire the most pleasant experience possible. As positive thinking should always fuel Wendy’s, and one should never go to Wendy’s strictly out of spite. In fact, Wendy’s should exist completely spite free, it just doesn’t go with Applewood Smoked Bacon.

To begin: You’ll want to plan a driver.

These two images were on the same page. Hmmmm...

I googled “chauffeur.” Apparently shutterstock believes driving cars requires you to be a light brown minority with sharp pointed mutton chop side burns and a pencil thin goatee. Who knew? I didn’t, but I do now.

The reason for the driver is so that you can focus all your attention on the feast at hand. It will require all your attention as it should be the only thing on your mind. Nothing else should cloud your conscience then getting your hands on those sea-salted fries. The person you appoint the duties of the driver to should be a seasoned Wendy’s veteran, ready to field all your Wendy’s related questions or concerns.

Skilled like this lady, but a lifelong expert of art of the Baconator.

On your way to Wendy’s be sure to point and laugh at all the other restaurant options that pale in comparison to the delicacy of Wendy’s.

In my personal situation, a White Castle to the west is visible from the parking lot of the Wendy’s. As if they intended to attract a specific group of people used to royal surroundings. Ain’t no royalty live in no White Castle! It’s the little redhead neighbor girl who knows how to tend to your hunger pains. The White Castle has been the unwilling recipient of many a sneer or look of disapproval as I cruise past to the land of the Baconator.

They truly are the less fortunate, and they deserve our scoff.

Although I could discuss the wonders of the Wendy’s for days, I have not the time or the space to do so. Finally, I leave you with this.

Be shameless.

When you have a date with Wendy, you two are the only people in the world. Remove yourself from these insignificant ideas of dignity and self-control. Get that Triple Baconator. Why not? You know what goes great with a Triple Baconator? A large fry with a gallon of Dr. Pepper. You bet it does. So what if the lady behind the window gives you a weird look as you pick up six Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers, this night isn’t about her. It’s about you, that meal, and the clear, crisp air that comes along the cool breeze of evening. Tonight, we’re getting Wendy’s.

Long Live... Russia I guess.

and that is how you fwaah.

-a

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Ties. Men. Honor.

When a man wears a tie. He feels so much better about himself. For example, if I was about to take a test on “the velocity of six trains traveling away from each other at 6000 mph and they were traveling in perpendicular courses, what color is my daughter’s sweater vest?” I would feel completely lost. Certainly the information given does not give me the answer to the question. However, with one simple knot I know the answer.

Brown. And it looks good on her.

Certainly, you say, certainly this tie can not just boost all aspects of your knowledge on life, liberty, and everything! But yes. Yes it does. A well-dressed man can accomplish anything. anything. I guarantee that the man who cures cancer wears a tie. The gentleman that solves the food crises will be nicely dressed.

Norman Borlaug. Legitimately solved the food crises. Has saved millions of lives. And you've never even heard of him.

The other thing about a nicely dressed man, is that he feels like he can accomplish anything. If a man has a tie on, he shouts from his mountaintop of honor and bravery and shouts, “Listen here, World,” and with a humble whisper exclaims, “Get out of my way. I am wearing a tie.”

Ron Swanson. Man. "You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of bacon and eggs, but what I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have."

Another phenomenon that occurs while a man wears a tie is that anything you suggest to him will immediately be followed with a simple,”Doesn’t matter. I’ve got a tie on.”

“Hey man, what are we doing tonight?”
“Dear, do you want to go to the movies or have a pillow fight followed by hours of making out?”
“Dude. That polar bear is ripping your dad’s face off.”

Doesn’t matter. I’ve got a tie on.

-Cal

Comments section is open to all.

Crusty

“Students, please tell me about Christopher Columbus.”
“Man. That boy is crusty.

Crusty as defined by Urban Dictionary. Urban Dictionary: The leading word defining machine since that schnozzle, Webster.

Some definitions:
1.Someone who doesn’t shower or bathe as a statement.
2. a fan of the genre of harsh punk rock/hardcore music called crustcore, crust punk or simply crust.
3. Adjective used to decribe old people,a gross unidentified substance, anything broken, dirty, crumby, badly made/conceived, falling apart, stupid, wierd, gross, this word can be used very freely as it goes with anything that may have to do with the word crust but it never describes anything good.
4.Something grotesque, dirty, or hideous.

The most common definition is to be smelly. So lets go through and discuss the most crusty people out there:

10. Eleanor Roosevelt

9. Pig Pen

8. Genghis Khan

7. Amy Winehouse. Too soon?

6. Man From India

5. Krusty

4. Flavor Flav

3. Jocelyn Wildenstein

2. Galileo

1. Christopher Columbus

Take a shower guys. Get that crust off yo’self.

-Cal

fwaah.

The Coolest Cat

As the third and final contributing member of what the fwaah, I figured it was about time I, well, contributed.  Let’s take a look at a creature who so clearly does not get the respect, recognition, response, and any other R word it deserves: the Serval.

Serval Kitten, you're allowed a 5 second "Awwww!"

As you can see, the serval is quite adorable. Roughly 30 pounds, the serval is slightly larger than your run of the mill house cat. In nature, they are found in the African Savannah; so they need saving, too. As pets, they act more like dogs than cats, and need to hunt food, which makes them more awesome to have. As goes the laws of awesomeness; any animal that kills and eats things is better than any animal that does not.

Hunting in its natural environment

They can jump up to 10 feet into the air and use these mad hops to snatch little birds out of the sky. They are also territorial and protect up to 5 miles of land, so your house will always be safe with Serval at your side.

Like a regular cat, but better.

As we all can see, the Serval is stunning in appearance and much more awesome than any cat you may own.

Confused? Actually, probably not. Enlightened? Fa Showwww

Fwaah

-Cole

Image

Fun Fact of the Day!

Hello all!

Trying out a new feature in the blog these days! As we come across random interesting factoids in our daily life, we do our best to check and then double and quintuple check the source and truthiness of said facts. Then, we pass the savings along to you!

Not to worry, this will not take over the blog as the only source of information and hilarity, but rather will supplement and hopefully beef it up a little bit! Our blog is a growing boy and needs as much interesting content as possible!

So, I was spending my Thursday morning as I normally spend my Thursday mornings: looking up “Little People” on the internet. One thing led to another and I was brought to the attention of this little guy.

how does he stay so fit... he probably doesn't "munch" on too many snack. ;)

A Happy-Go-Lucky Munchkin

This man here, is Karl Slover. He is one of four living “Munchkins” from The Wizard of Oz. Isn’t he just the cutest? Yes. Yes he is. This dude is 93, and he is still kicking it. Look at that shine he has, you know he could tell you a story or two. And the first think you might notice in the photo is the elephant-like size of his ears. (Not intended as an insult! We love Munchkins. We really do!)

What we wouldn't do for this mug... Oooooh boy.

Anyway, munchkin mugs aside, The Fun Fact of the Day IS: As we continue to grow, so do our ears and noses! No joke! Dr. Oz can back me up on this one. (We’re talking about munchkins… Dr. OZ…. coincidence? I think not.) So as we continue to grow and our final days inch closer and closer, our ears transform from cute little facial structures into something out of a classic Disney movie.

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Just as I have accepted Dumbo despite his unique physical properties, I for one welcome our large ear’d elderly folk. Besides, maybe soon we’ll have a sky full of old people flying around with their ears.  I wouldn’t say no…

So yeah! What you do with this brand new torrent of information is up to you, but the moral of the story is: Love your local munchkins, and don’t make fun of Dumbo, cuz your ear day is fast approaching.

edit @ 12:29pm: fwaah.

-Adam

Relating Things

Greeting friends.

New idea for you to be the center of the party at your next Bar Mitzvah. Relate things that don’t relate.

“My bed is not that good of a bed. The sheets always fall off. It’s way too small. And I’ve never gotten a good night’s sleep on it. However, it is a lot better than being eaten alive by a lion.”

Person 1: “Hey. Can you please help me out with my Zoology homework?”
You: “Well, It’s a Tuesday. So I could help you out. ”

Person 1: “Do you think that Panda Bears are the most evil of bears?”
You: “I took a cold shower today, so probably not.”

As you see. Pandas really are the most evil. Also, the most cute.

Don't mind me. I'm doing panda stuff. Eating twigs.

Confused and Enlightened yet?

whatthefwaah.

Winona Word of the Month

Many a time a word has been replaced for another word, regardless of the two sharing identical or even remotely related meanings. In homage to the various words and their misplaced uses, our word of the month is Jumbotron.

As many of you already know, a Jumbotron is a very large, sometimes four sided, screen placed in sports related stadiums for an enhanced viewing experience. However, our use of the word literally means everything.

This is a Jumbotron.

This is our definition

Jumbotron: to be a jumbotron, or to do jumbotron things.

This is also a Jumbotron.

What it means to be a jumbotron or do jumbotron things nobody can know for sure.

One Jumbotron we do know though, you are all a bunch of Jumbotrons. How could you? How Jumbotron you do that to them? What would make you think it would Jumbotron okay to Jumbotron that to those poor Jumbotrons. We can Jumbotron forgive you.

We would also like to take the time to celebrate the Packers and the Lions victories as we Jumbotron da Bears. Thanks to Matt Jumbotron and his Jumbotron Calvin Johnson who had over 100 Jumbotrons and a big touchdown Jumbotron in the first Jumbotron.

Here’s how it might have been used in an average daily conversation:
Me: Hey. I was late for Jumbotron because my cat decided to Jumbotron my Jumbotron. And the stupid Jumbotron cat was throwing up all over my Jumbotron so I Jumbotroned it’s Jumbotron Jumbotron.
You: It’s all Jumbotron. I was starting to get Jumbotron about you.
Me: Well. You shouldn’t worry about Jumbotron. You should seriously look into Jumbotron though. I’m pretty sure I broke it’s Jumbotron Jumbotron when I kicked it in the Jumbotron.
You: Yeah man. I would gladly Jumbotron after your cat while it recovers from Jumbotron head trauma, because you Jumbotroned it’s Jumbotron mouth in.
Me: Thanks dude. You’re a real Jumbotron saver. I’m glad you could Jumbotron me out during these Jumbotron times. Especially since I am about to Jumbotron my job to pursue a Jumbotron in Jumbotron watching and pope-ing.

These Jumbotrons are so Jumbotronin Jumbotron.

Confused? Definitely. Enlightened? Jumbotron

Whatthefwaah