As the Presidential elections come closer, and without a clear Republican leader. I got to thinking… I could be President. I think most people would like to think they have what it takes to be president, and likely they really don’t have the skills and political savvy that is needed to be the President of the United States. However, what I have that no one else has is that I have an amazing set of changes. Like, sure, some of them seem absurd. I realize that it probably isn’t in the best interest of the country for most of these rules to be implemented. But, when you see my final rule change… I think you’d all agree that the vile rules are worth it for the possibility of what is to come.
Rules that I will implement as the President of the U.S.
1. All first born sons must be named Cupid or Buttbutt.
…We’re off to a great start here…
2. We will bomb every country that begins with a specific letter. The letter will be determined by a Bingo Lottery System lead by the Cleveland Cavaliers owner.
3. I believe that evolution needs to be taught to all children. However, they will be taught that we, as a human race, evolved from Benjamin Franklin who gave birth to Moses and Charles Darwin.
4. Our official language: Meow.
5. Chairs are banned. Including wheelchairs. They now be Wheel-stools.
6. Our military will be lead by whoever Ashton Kutcher is dating.
7. Orangutans are the only legal pet.
8. Cars must be painted to look like me. 8. Cars must be turned into scrap metal. For everyone to have Airplanes.
8. I get Airplanes.
9. Everybody will have to learn how to pogo stick, ride unicycles, or fit into small cars for the first ever Nationalized Clown Force. Similar to the Army.
10. If I win, there will be a free Dippin Dots day.
I guarantee victory.
That’s how good Dippin Dots are. All these things would probably not be in the best interest of anybody but Adam’s parents. They hate chairs. But come on… Dippin Dots! They’re glorious. You would vote for me for free Dots. Don’t even lie to my face about it.