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Posts tagged ‘van pelt’

Top 10 Villains That You Forgot

There’s been a rise of water in my house. Two dams broke to reveal a waterfall was conveniently located above my house. I wake up to find that everyone has drowned, except for me. I stay afloat by dog paddling and strong grunts that I hope translates to prayers. Who could have done this to me? Who broke these dams? At first I ponder; I think of the classics. I think Darth Vader had something to do with this. Or Joker. Or, Ghostface. Or, at the very least, Agent Smith. These are the best villains. They surely could have pulled something like this off. But what about the villains that people have forgotten? That their prime time was but a blip and is now gone? This post is a memorial to them.

Okay. Rules. We always need rules. So. Only movies from the 90’s and up are included. And this is not the best villains list. This is a list of villains that are pretty cool, and you just forgot about them. So like, yeah, Hannibal Lector, Terminator, and Hans Landa are awesome villains, but you haven’t forgotten about them. If you were going to make a top 10 villains of the last twenty years, you would include Hannibal Lector. So these are the guys that might have a case to make the list, but ultimately get forgotten.

10. Lamia from Stardust (2007)

Cynical Witch.

Stardust is one of the most underrated movies ever. Like, has anyone seen this? It’s straight up baller. It’s one of the coolest fantasy movies I’ve ever seen. I love all the characters, and the story is dece. I own it, so… If you wanna borrow it, just ask. But this villain is great. She’s a witch played by Michelle Pfeiffer. She gets to run around using magic which she turns a goat into a man, and a man into a girl. And a nothing into a hotel. All the while, she’s trying to chase after a star to cut out her heart so that she can stay immortal.

9. Mugatu from Zoolander (2001)

Will Ferrell as a villain. Better than him being a semi-pro basketball player. Way better.

8. Edgar from Men In Black (1997)

We got a bug.

Any time that you can’t find a half decent picture of a movie villain, then you know that the villain has been forgotten. But I ask that you please don’t. I would like to point out that this, to my immediate knowledge, is the second time we’ve referenced Men In Black. I think that’s a record since y2k. But anyways, this dude steals some farmers body and then drives around and turns into a beast bug in the final scene. “The galaxy is on Orion’s Belt”. Why couldn’t he just have said Orion’s leash? More than a decade later, I’m still in my seven year old self’s body struggling with the little alien in the guys face. He could have changed that one word, and you could have helped everything. Stupid alien-face guy.

7. Shan Yu from Mulan (1998)

Shan Yu: The Most Metal Villain Disney Has Ever Had.

I saw this movie in theaters. With my brother and his friend, Evan Telford. Evan had like two dozen pets. Not an exaggeration. I still remember stuff like this. This is why I can’t remember economics/anything, because my mind is filled of stupid memories like who I went and saw a movie with in 1998. Anyways, Shan Yu had facial hair, like a jagged sword, beefy muscles, and a freakin falcon. A falcon. “They poppin out of the snow… Like Daisies!”

6. T Rex from Jurassic Park (1993)

Remember when he ate the guy on the toilet? Coolest thing ever.

The only thing better than a T-Rex is two T-Rex. I’m being honest, I think my post on dinosaurs was my favorite post ever. You know who hasn’t forgotten this movie villain? Cole Luskey. Watching Jurassic Park with Colt is one part maniacal and one part inspirational. I’ve never seen anyone enjoy a movie as much as he does to Jurassic Park.

5. Jigsaw from Saw (2004)

I put a picture of the puppet in case you haven't seen the movie.

The Saw series gets a lot of flack and fluff. But the first one is probably my favorite horror movie ever. I hate horror movies, but Saw is so cool. The ending is just phenomenal. I recommend Saw. Don’t bother with the other six, unless you’re me, Adam, or Spencer. Yeah, it’s a pretty dark movie, and there’s some straight up gore. But the first one isn’t too gory. And like I said, the story is actually awesome.

4. Imhotep from The Mummy (1999)

Sand storm face

Imhotep is baller. In between being in love, he’s a skeleton, a half skeleton, a person, and a sand storm face.

3. Chip Hazard and the Commando Elite from Small Soldiers (1998)

Does anyone else think he looks way too much like the Avatar bad guy? Like... Is a white haired older buff guy just the cliche bad military leader guy? I didn't realize there was a stereotype for that.

I just google'd "bad guy avatar" for this one. Google is the best thing ever. Imagine homework without google. Can't. I'd have to know the Dewey Decimal system?

My anecdote for Chip is that Kirsten Dunst is in this movie. And the Gorgonites are wimpy deer. The Commando Elites are were the coolest bad guys ever when I  was eight. This movie was kinda dark for young kids. I feel that way about a lot of movies that I watched when I was younger. Have you seen Pinocchio recently? I don’t know how I didn’t just pee all over my house after watching that.

2. Van Pelt from Jumanji (1995)

Kirsten Dunst is in this movie too.

It’s argumentative that the real villain of this movie is the board itself. But, I ain’t about to get all literary analysis on ya! We just be talkin bout da bad duders. Van Pelt sucked too. Like, he was chasing after the kids. And he had that gun… Ya know what else, does anyone remember when he called Robin Williams character “Sonny Jim” at the end of the movie. I liked that in 95. And. I still like that.

1. Warden Samuel Norton from Shawshank Redemption (1994)

"I wonder what was the last thing going through his mind; other than that bullet."

Okay. This movie is phenomenal. And. We all know that. If you haven’t seen Shawshank Redemption then you are really missing out. But, why does everybody not give credit to this awesome villain? Sure, he doesn’t have an evil costume. And he’s not trying to destroy the world with a death ray. But he’s sinister! He held Dufresne captive even though he knew he was innocent. And had the guy that could testify for his innocence executed. Oh man. He’s so obtuse.

Here’s a link: Family Guy’s Shawshank Redemption spoof.

I went a whole post without a youtube video…

Never mind.

Who’d I miss? Lemme know below.