As I come to terms with the fact that the Grinsell Archives have claimed me as my own, I find myself becoming more and more comfortable with my surroundings. As time marches on, I find that the bitter taste of hopelessness and the discomfort of my surrounds transforms into a Stockholm Syndrome of contentment in the dark passageways.. time heals all wounds.
Here at WTFwaah, we like to discuss things. This may come as a shock to you, but it’s true. We are meant to confuse and enlighten, as well as force our opinions upon you because we have the power. Here’s a list of things I thought of today that are simply better after time has it’s way with them.
Jimmy Fallon: When Jimmy Fallon first took over for Conan O’Brien, I was unsure how he would hold up when compared to the king of late night weird. I personally thought that Fallon only had a small handful of sketches on Saturday Night Live that he really contributed something to beyond giggling off-screen and managing to break character every other line. Since his departure from the show however, his popularity has risen significantly, and he is remembered fondly for his performances during some weak years of SNL.
But after the initial awkward period, Jimmy Fallon has really started to shine on the late night talk show host circuit. This isn’t a very large circuit, but a circuit nonetheless. Late night entertainment has turned into a battle of the Jimmy’s as Fallon and Kimmel face off night after night. Fallon has secured the collegiate crowd, with his goofy likability, young age, and relatability to the tech savvy young adults. Plus he has the Roots as a house band. Who does that?! The Roots are beyond incredible, and I am constantly blown away by their versatility on the show.
Seriously, stuff like this is gold.
Old School Hip-Hop: Easy segue from the Roots. You know what every Outkast fan’s favorite thing to say is? “Ohmygosh! You love Outkast?! I love Outkast!!” Which works out extremely well for me, since I love Outkast. But, this is not an exclusive perk to Outkast, as whenever people talk about hip-hop these days, without fail someone will say “I like how rap used to be…” and discuss the lyrical splendor that is Illmatic, The Low End Theory, and It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back.
You're telling me you like Notorious BIG over Pitbull!!?!?
Wine: I don’t have much to say about this section, I just had to include it for all our highbrow, snobby, wine loving readers who would expect such an inclusion. I would hate to get those condescending looks from the upper class. Forgetting about “aged wine” is like seating a child in front of Sid Viscious and Johnny Rotten on a plane. Oh wait…
That little girl will never be the same. Today is the day she becomes a man.
Krispy Kreme donuts: Krispy Kreme donuts are a heavenly fat blob of sugary fried dough goodness. That was actually their slogan before they came up with “Krispy Kremes: Diabeetus. We aren’t kidding.” Seriously though, a baker’s dozen of these bad boys will cause your body to halt insulin production faster than Gigli passed through the theatres.
We are not above Gigli jokes here.
However, Krispy Kreme donuts fall to the mercy of the “cold pizza” rule: Although the meal is undeniably delicious when hot n’ fresh, the next day leftovers are just as good if not better than the original. If you manage to rip into a box of Krispy Kremez and restrain yourself from scarfing down the entire order, you are in for a treat. As your vision fades from you and you slip into a diabetic coma, relish the fact that you’ll have a bunch of cooled sugary snacks waiting for you when you rise. However, be careful, Krispy Kremes follow a strict timeline, which is as follows:
One Day Old: stellar. Just real pristine baked goods.
Day Two: Still alright, perhaps a tad stale or crunchy if not handled with care.
The Third Day: Put those away, now it’s getting weird.
The Fourth Rising of the Sun: Seriously? Gross. All the donuts now turn into Gremlins. You had it coming, you shlemiel.
Nostalgia: This kinda goes along with old school hip-hop. Were the 90’s as amazing and truly incredible as we all remember them? WAIT! Let the following photo answer that for you.
The answer is no, they were not.
But as time goes by, suddenly all those terrible things like actually memorizing phone numbers, and making plans with someone a month in advanced because you can’t just send them a virtual message the day of saying, “Ayo, you freeeeeeeee,” fall by the wayside, and the nostalgia begins. Captain Planet, Orange Soda, The Dancing Lobsters, a child’s inability to build a monkey statue, and a girl who’s “just too cool for seventh grade” become highlights of a time when (if you’re in my age range) you were at mercy of a minivan. Even the writers here at WTFwaah suffer from nostalgiaism, with good reason. Nostalgia is awesome. We love to feel connected the people of our generation, as it gives a real sense of camaraderie and union as we all share unexpected “I was there too!” moments with the ones around us. Before we could just “Share” with a click of a button, we call upon the youthful memories of the little and big things in life that brought us moments of joy. How sappy.
This is here to break up the sap.
Crappy cars: Everyone’s first car should be a total piece of junk. F’real. That way you are that much more appreciative when something better comes along and you can upgrade to a totally fresh set of wheels brah. But, the longer that you have that crappy junker, the more you start to love it for its defects. Sure you have to enter in from the passenger side, and the key only turns in the ignition when you have the brakes on, the wipers to medium, and the hazard lights on, but the car has character. Rust spots become marks of affection, earned through time spent together, memories made on the side of a country road, or waiting for the light to turn green. A crappy car almost becomes an extension of your being, as you alter your driving habits to accommodate the car’s personality. When you pound on the steering wheel cursing the heavens that “this stupid piece of junk has crossed you for the last time,” it feels like you’re sharing that moment with an actual person. An automobile person.
Automobile people are real cool chaps.
Broken bones: I’m not a mind reader, so I can’t say if this train of thought is shared by everyone, but when I broke my toe throwing my friend Spencer into a pool a couple years back, the first that went through my head was, “Well goodness me, that is one unpleasant feeling in my mosey-wosey-toesies.” This was almost instantly followed by, “This will probably be a funny story someday,” and it is. Like most things, time heals wounds. Today, it may seem like a horrific accident that will forever scar the landscape of your psyche. Two years later, sitting by the poolside with the cast just a stiff shell of signatures and lame inside jokes, you’ll chuckle about that one time you were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and suffered the consequences. And it’ll be hilarious.
Road trips: The beginning of a road trip is a magical thing. You have a full tank of gas, more candy and trail mix than you know what to do with, and an optimism for adventure that could fuel a trip to the moon and back.
Feels something like this.
Now the remaining 1-∞ hours of the road trip can either be one of two things. Either, a time of connection, personal growth through self-reflection and introspection, and a memorable journey celebrating our youth and environmental variety, or an uncontrollable descent into madness, depravity, and self-loathing. This really all depends on whom you choose to be the fellow members of your caravan. Choose wisely, as once you are on the road, it’s very hard to get rid of someone in a legal, ethical way without having to bring a shovel. Problem is, nobody brought a shovel, but everyone brought half a pound of peachy-o’s. Gummy treats make for awful tools.
Showers: Although I fall into the crowd of people who don’t mess around when it comes to their showers, (bang-boom-zip, I’m outta there in four minutes tops.), I can appreciate a good soak. Coming home after work to a torrent of hot water is about as heavenly as it gets. When I am down with my shower, the amount of steam that pours forth from the bathroom rivals a foggy London morning. Plus making shapes on the mirror is like the best thing ever.
Fog is just the world's loading screen.
Is there anything else that goes over better when it takes a while? Something significant I missed? Hit me up below and lemme know! Also, here is the greatest thing you’ll see today.