I wandered into the Grinsell Archives. There were no security guards. Just a sign that read “Beware of Dog.” The only thing close to a dog was a man just chilling playing video games. He looked like a mixture of Karl Marx and Shaquille O’ Neal. I struggled to find a light, but only found cobwebs, an old oil can labeled “Crocodile Rock”, thousands of lost souls, and Rick from Pawn Stars. I fell down a pit and into the abysmal archives. I’m still here. I have been sitting on a skateboard and whistling Andy Griffith’s theme song for two weeks. My fate rests with the hopes that someone will find their way through this negative space. But this whole ordeal brought me to a thought:
Let’s just get this ball rolling.
Ball Pits are basically the revitalization of religion to kids. Ya know what? If Ball Pits weren’t cluttered in the smog of terrible stories, I’d totally belly flop one of these suckers. Who doesn’t dream of buying a huge ball pit and swim through them like Scrooge McDuck does to his piles of money. (Pretty sure coins coupled with gravity would create a pretty dense product. Think about it. That guy should have straight up broken his face. If not, at least strangled from the weight. You just don’t think about these things when you’re a kid.) Who hasn’t heard a story that sounds like this, “Oh yeah man, I heard that this baby lost his diaper in that ball pit.” Classic baby move. There’s just a pile of feces, throw up, and sweat in these things. That’s why I want to open a Ball Pits 4 Adults store. Like Dave & Busters did to Chuck E, but we’re going to add the ball pit. Or… a Ball Pits 4 Cal store. Y’all can visit. Just no pooping, bro. Weak.
Video Game Pits
Whether it’s Crash Bandicoot or Mario or Lara Croft, these things are cool. Undoubtedly, the most over used obstacle in gaming history, these pits have killed thousands of characters over the years. These murderous mayhems are still straight up the most frustrating ordeals in your daily video game life. …Besides that one schnozzle on CoD. How did he know I was there? Amiright? …More discussion worth bringing up: Where do all the dead Marios go? Or just how far does Crash fall before being spawned back to safety next to the TNT boxes?
They smell bad, sweat uncontrollably, can turn white shirts into green shirts. They suck. They get all hairy. Arm Pits can go burn in a butt. No analyzing needed here. You all have these moldy guac tubs.
When I say Spike Pit you might think of Indiana Jones or Mortal Kombat. Maybe you don’t… My mind works weird. But these are classic examples of Spike Pits. You don’t wanna fall in one of these. Because… It’s kill you. Or worse… Stab you. Stabbing and not dying sounds worse to me then just death. Have you guys seen Hot Fuzz? Do you get my reference? Don’t watch this, but here it is:
They are messy. Get stuck all up in your face. You gotta eat around them to enjoy your tasty healthy snack. Just another example of a bad pit. Peach pits are basically a rock in your snack. Or, an even better metaphor: A kidney stone in your urine. See also, cherry pit.
A dancing group of boys and brave girls where the goal is to physically punish the person next to you for enjoying the same band as you. What is the point of this? Who cares. They’re fun. Jumping on a trampoline doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but that’s fun too.
Mosh Pits are stupid to look at. I recommend you jump in one at a metal show near you.
Pittsburgh. Big Ben Roethlisberger and smelly exhaust. Another terrible pit. If you’re from Pittsburgh, we’re sorry. Not for saying it’s a terrible city, but more so as condolences for your loss. Also, strong Amish population live in PA. And there’s an Ikea there.
If it starts with the word ‘pit’, it still counts right? The dog and Cuban rapper think they are relevant. But, really, Pitbull talks through an entire Dr. Pepper commercial and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t say a single word. For some reason, I feel like you should know this.
Why are you still reading this?
The last pit(t). Also, the most beautiful. He’s in Benjamin Button. Have you guys seen this movie? I think John Maynard Keynes, Milton Friedman, Adam Smith, and I could play seven rounds of Monopoly before that movie ends. Also, Fight Club is awesome. I would also like to point out that Brad Pitt was in Troy, which made some money, but I have never seen it. And Brad Pitt dumped one of my favorite celebrities, Gwyneth Paltrow, for one of my least favorite, Angelina Jolie. I find her incredibly ugly? Am I the only one? I think my two least favorite actresses are Michelle Rodriguez and Angelina Jolie. No one cares about this. I was just bringing up that Brad Pitt is totally a pit. And therefore gets mentioned.
I swear. I can write blog posts on the dumbest things. See: above
Did I miss some pits? Lemme know in the comments. I swear, the community here at the Fwaah Comments is straight up the coolest community on the webs. Wait… No… It’s actually pretty pathetic.